ME AND MY BUTT TRUMPET

by: Susan Rosen


There we were, in the front seat of a small automobile. I was hot and sweaty, feeling the nervous tension all over in a frightened, yet exited sort of way. In a tense voice I stated, "Please be gentle, this is my first time." It all went smoothly and much to my delight, it was incredible! Yes my friends, it was my first interview! Not only that, it was with one of my favorite bands, Butt Trumpet!! But as opposed to my other "first time", the other person didn't fall asleep after 10 minutes!

I had originally set out to do the typical question - answer drivel, but instead I just ended up having a really cool conversation on a more personal level with Butt Trumpet's loud bass playin', vocal babe, Bianca Butthole. (OK, I just wanted an excuse to hang out with Butt Trumpet!)

Before I go on, I have to say that she is one of the coolest people in a band that I have ever met. No ego, no bullshit, just another punk rocker chick like me. Later on, after meeting the rest of the Trumpets (Sharon Needles, Blare N. Bitch, and Jerry Geronimo) I realized they were all just groovy!

For those of you unfamiliar with this troop, I'll give you a quick intro. The L.A. based band, which originally included another singer (Thom Bone), have out one album entitled "PRIMITIVE ENEMA" that includes 19 totally fuckin' awesome songs. I'd have to say their style is of a punk nature. Their crude humor is totally hilarious (They say the word "fuck" a lot, which is always a good sign). They cover everything from yeast infection to funeral crashing to doing it in the butt. (Fun for the whole family!). If you've ever been so pissed off that you feel like you were going to explode or rip the hemorrhoids off of someone else, you will absolutely love "I've Been So Mad Lately". Just blast it for personal enjoyment or to offend someone and you'll hear such romantic phrases as "Fuck You! Fuck You! Fuck You! Fuck You!" or my personal favorite, "You can eat the corn out of my shit!!!"

They have had some radio airplay with the song "I'm Ugly And I Don't Know Why", but like many other bands out there, they don't get nearly enough exposure or the recognition that they deserve. Although, they recently did get some exposure in Massachusetts when a record store committed the preposterous crime of selling a Butt Trumpet CD to a 12 year old girl with psycho paranoid parents with tight undies. The CD was then considered audio-porn and an ordinance was proposed that it could only be purchased upon request with an I.D. of those 18 years and older. Luckily, it was considered unconstitutional and it didn't happen. (see THE ROC #18 for more.)

Now if all this juicy stuff isn't enough to make you want to give blood to obtain their CD, you might soil your underroos when I tell you they are labelmates with everyone's favorite gargantuan purple friend, Barney!!

OK, so here I am once again chillin' out with Ms. Butthole in my Plymouth Horizon when we get on the subject of bands. She names such bands as Superchunk, The Supersuckers, Sluts For Hire, and Black Angels Death Song (Bianca's former band) as some of the bands that she's into now. Speaking of bands, that brought us to the groovy topic of female musicians today. Bianca and I completely agreed with the fact that women are now finally making their mark in music and kicking out the Neanderthal views of women's place in music as a cheap ornament. The next 15 years or so will bring out a whole new generation of female rockers that will make girl bands be seen less a novelty and more the norm. It's extremely frustrating as a female fan to almost always be looked at as a groupie when I try to meet a band that I'm a huge fan of, or I'm just hangin' out at a show. Not that we don't adore the guy bands anymore, but that we know that girls are just as artistic and aggressive, and it's time for all to know it.

Alright, so here's the question you've all been dying to ask, but were afraid to. What's with Bianca's lunchbox obsession? Not only does she collect them and carry one as a purse, but she dreams about them too!!! (I detect masturbatory overtones!) It's been going on since high school and the addiction doesn't seem to be decreasing one bit. Since there are no twelve step programs for this disorder, Bianca will gladly accept all lunchbox donations. (As for me, I'll graciously accept any Brady Bunch lunchbox donations!)

Well, about now we were finishing up our babbling session. After we finished trashing the Christian Coalition and child molesting televangelists, it was time to go outside and play. After riding around Virginia Beach, a bunch of us went to an amusement park and drove little race cars (I came in last!) Then it was over to the hotel. Me and Bianca went into the bathroom and she took off her shirt. Next, I put on a pair of rubber gloves. Well, isn't it obvious!? I was going to dye her hair!! Yes, I sure did! It came out pretty cool too! If you see Bianca, make sure you tell her how splendid her hair looks.

Now it was show time! The two opening bands were Hagfish; a four piece all male unit out of Dallas, and the Smears; an all girl trio from Indiana. I feel the need to plug them because they were both super duper bands and they were all really cool people as well.

OH MYLANTA! It's now time for Butt Trumpet! I had been waiting for a while now to see them and I was totally enthralled! For I was about to witness the most radical band to all that which is radical; there is none higher. Not only that! They let me come up on stage to sing their song "Dickhead"! WOW! Listening to their CD almost daily really paid off! (Gee, Mom would be so proud!) It was my singing debut ... another "first time". I got to sing about whipping my dick out! It ruled!!

Of course, Butt Trumpet put on an awesome, nut-grinding, booty kickin' show! I also had the good fortune of seeing them again two days later in Atlanta! That show was even better because they ended with their chart topping song "Do It In The Butt"! They even let a bunch of people come up on stage and jam with them!

Well boys and girls, I guess I've come to the end now. (I always hate good-bye's). I just want to thank Butt Trumpet, especially my new friend Bianca, for a most excellent day! They brought some life to good ol' cow tippin Virginia! I hope you all learned something from my little story. That's right! Buy "PRIMITIVE ENEMA" and go check out Butt Trumpet live! Though they are not for everyone, it is my right to decide for myself and nobody else. So to all the uptight, butt suckin', anti-free speech fuckers out there who want to ban all the good things in life...YOU CAN EAT THE CORN OUT OF MY SHIT!!!!!

Buh-bye!!!

Bianca checks the Butt Trumpet mailbox weekly, so write 'em at: P.O. Box 17660, Beverly Hills, CA 90210.

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